Acceptance is not complacency
By Mark Quirk
I used to think that beating myself up, even hating how things were, was an effective way of driving change. I hate being late, I hate being overweight, I’m rubbish at… whatever!
I’ve since learned that this inner loathing is not required and often gets in the way of change. So, what’s more effective?
If I said that accepting some perceived fault was a more advantageous starting position, I suspect you would think what I used to think – that surely, this is how NOT to change. If I accept that ‘I’m always late,’ I’ve removed any motivation to be on time. Aren’t I letting myself off the hook?
It is possible that I can look at my habits, completely accept them and have no desire to change. But I can also accept my habits, or a particular habit – after all, I’ve invested in creating it, perhaps with good intention – and see that it’s no longer serving me.
I’ve learned that it’s not the self-loathing that creates change; it’s the desire and prioritisation of effort. Do I want to change my lateness, and will I change my habits related to appointments? If so, what is the new process I need to implement?
I need creativity to help me develop helpful approaches to habit change – for example, how I think about appointments and prepare to leave for them.
We know that unpleasant emotion narrows our focus to the problem, typically reducing our ability to think creatively or see the bigger picture – just like putting on blinkers.
If I add self-loathing about my shortcomings, the resultant unpleasant emotions (irritation, dislike, thoughts of not being good enough, and so on) can stunt my thinking processes at a time when I really need open creativity.
Removing the unpleasant emotion helps us solve problems more effectively – it’s not hating the problem that drives a solution; it’s desire plus creativity. If you want to change, accepting how things are, removes the unpleasantness leaving us with choice, passion, and flexible thinking processes to make the changes we want.
Liking yourself and accepting how you are now doesn’t preclude change, but it does remove unnecessary misery and stress from your life. Acceptance rocks!